Confronting Fears

Each time I've told people that I am leaving my employment as an accountant in order to go back to school, I get a very positive response, which turns into surprise when I then clarify that I will be going back to school for art (illustration, in particular). It's definitely a major departure from a decade of business/finance/accounting (4 years of business school, 6 years of public accounting).

A life change of this magnitude definitely necessitates addressing many kinds of... issues. I say “addressing” rather than “resolving”, because... really... the only way to conclusively resolve everything is just to die.

Let's take the issue of Fear, for example.

No one is exempt, everyone is afraid of something: The dark. Being chased by multiple velociraptors. Tax busy seasons. You name it, someone is afraid of it.

Here are the things that made (or make) me more than a little bit nervous in making this move:

1. Fear of ending up as a statistic (poor, starving artist), while in or after school
2. Fear of becoming an embittered old broad due to going back to school for a Bachelor's degree at my not-so-tender age
3. Fear that it's too good to be true, that I won't be able to set foot in the school after all, not even so that I can kiss the ground and say, “Honey, I'm home.”
4. Fear of the disappointment of realizing that maybe it's not what I wanted after all or that it's not all that I had hoped it would be
5. Fear that I won't be able to find my voice/style with which to establish myself

Here are the things that, astonishingly, I'm not afraid of:

1. Fear of failing and people saying to me, “I told you so and you should have stuck with a stable job and 'done art-on-the-side.'” As if art were a salad dressing – a luxury most of us can not afford but would help make the lackluster salad somewhat more edible. (By the way, I usually don't get salad dressing with my own salads).
2. Fear that I'll never know what it's like to live in my own apartment with the option of not having to live with people you don't get along with, like crazy people who make you crazy... Ok. Maybe this does scare me a little bit. But that's not the point.
3. Fear that my work won't be worth millions after I die (but I'd still recommend being my friend while I'm still living, just to be sure).

Here are things I have told myself (or tell myself constantly) in order to console myself:

1. Remember quotes like:
• “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Susan Jeffers
• “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.” Anais Nin
• “Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spires who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory or defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt.
• “If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.” Henry David Thoreau
• “What you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” Goethe
2. I somehow survived to be here, now, and I can continue to do so. Especially, I still have my copy of “Survival Cards” by Lee Nading, circa 1976, which has lots of useful diagrams, the Morse code, and excellent information like, “All healthy mammals, birds, insects are edible.” and “PLANKTON – green slime under boats, logs, rocks, edible raw, dried. Party lived on this alone for 115 days.”
3. There's always the Food Bank.
4. I know artists who aren't millionaires who are doing just fine.
5. As long as I'm not picky, I don't have to be an embittered old broad. OR who knows... maybe being a spinster is actually better.
6. We'll have to see about kissing the ground.
7. Well, wherever I am going now is probably closer to what I want than whatever I am leaving behind. So even if I end up being disappointed, I know that at least for now I have set myself on a truer course.
8. My painting teacher and other artists have assured me that my personal style is something I will find, that it's something I already know within me, that I already have an inkling of it. I just have to uncover or develop it further. They would know.

I think fear will always be there. Even if we're content with our current situation, there's the fear that it won't stay that way and that things will spin out of our control. Fear is magnified when we make a change, be it for better or worse. Depending on our moods, fears could be overwhelming or they can be put into reasonable perspective. I don't think it's something we can allow to run our lives, but rather a tool that can help us be more prepared. Beyond that, well, we'll just have to believe in our abilities to overcome.

Last two quotes:

“To use fear as the friend it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves...We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that the fear is here--with its gift of energy and heightened awareness--so we can do our best and learn the most in the new situation.” Peter McWilliams

“Almost everything: all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure. These things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.” Steve Jobs